S
Small
Worn for strangers, lifts and corridors. Close fit. Holds for a second and a half.
Costs nothing, means nothing, keeps the peace. Available in every colour.
M
Medium
Worn through conversations you are not in. Held fit. Lasts the length of the anecdote.
The jaw starts filing reports around minute four. Ignore them.
L
Large
Worn for nothing you chose. Arrives unfastened. Lasts until you notice it.
The only size that actually fits. Not stocked. Cannot be ordered.
E
Enormous
Continuous wear. Fixed fit. No stated duration.
Note the gap in the scale: no Extra Large. Sizing stops measuring here and starts insisting.